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| Features > "The
Appellate Blues" |
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The Appellate Blues |
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By
Richard Emanuel
To be sung to the tune of “Piano
Man” with apologies to Billy Joel. |
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It’s
5 o’clock in the morning,
I’ve been working all night on this brief;
It’s due in just 36 hours,
If it’s late I’ll get nothing but grief. |
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The
facts are set forth in great detail,
Every twist, every turn, of the case;
It took 10 of my 35 pages,
And I managed to keep a straight face. |
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He
maintained that the shot was an accident,
Or at least, he asserts, self-defense,
But in light of the many forensics,
A guilty plea would have made sense. |
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Oh
write me a brief, you appellate man,
Write me a brief that’s first-rate;
Make it loud, make it clear, make it sing in the ear
Of each judge who’ll determine my fate. |
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He
thought that the jury would free him,
He was credible, and he was smart;
But as soon as he got on the witness stand,
He im-me-di-ate-ly fell apart. |
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The
issues I’ve raised are quite decent,
But the strongest one was not preserved;
So I’ll have to cite Golding, that now-famous holding,
Because full review is deserved. |
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One
of the claims is confession,
Miranda, it seems, they forgot;
You would think just from watching TV shows,
He would know that speaking’s a “not.” |
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Oh
write me a brief, you appellate ma’am,
Be creative, and blaze new frontiers;
I’m in a tough jam, being locked in the slam,
And there’s no way I’ll last forty years. |
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Guess
I’ll lead with a strong search and seizure,
Through his house police roamed south and north;
Since they overlooked getting a warrant,
I’ll rely on Amendment the Fourth. |
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And
of course I’ll complain of the jury charge,
Though I can’t understand it myself;
Though weak as a tissue, I’ll throw in the issue,
Then put the books back on the shelf. |
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The
final step is the proof-reading,
One more page I’ll go out of my mind;
Every quote and footnote must be perfect,
But it’s all for the good of mankind. |
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Oh
write me a brief, you appellate man,
Write me a brief to prevail,
Make it concise, filled with legal advice,
Just PLEASE get me out of this jail! |
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